Everyone at one point or another goes though times of reflection.

For me, my reflection began one night, as I was lying in my bed attempting to  type a new writing about needs.

However, it was the interruption of a phone call which inspired a new direction of ideas to write about.
My first annoyed thought as the phone rang loudly into my hands was “Who in their right mind is ringing me at this hour?”

As I glanced at the caller ID, I saw the numbers and realized it was a Niteflirt call.
I left my Niteflirt phones on, as I was still up late with my insomnia, so I exhaled and took a deep breath, preparing myself for the caller.

To my surprise, it wasn’t  a drunk wanker, breathing rapidly from his adrenaline raged cock. It was a local sub  from Fetlife seeking to make Real Time contact with me.

After a few words, I hung up and pondered on the conversation.

What stuck with me were a couple of things. Over the year or so of being a friend on Fetlife, he took notice to both my ups, and my downs. He also stated that I seemed I had a wall around me as well. I admitted to him, I did feel my heart had grown cold and passive in many ways due to circumstances which have come my way from time to time.

It amazed me to find he had paid attention to my personality, and I discovered he did know some of what I was about.

However, he did not know all of me. No one really does. No one can see the real struggles and pain unless I share these things. I suppose my outward appearances may seem cold to a lot of people. I simply am not in an industry where “sharing” deep feelings are favored.

But I feel inclined to write about some of my struggles. So on that note, with you as my reader, I would like to share my most personal thoughts on why I may seem cold at times. Or as he put it, why “rather large wall” seems to exist.

When I began my journey into the Pro Dom field, I remember having a sense of extreme excitement for the path I was about to walk on. My passion for being a Pro Domme at that point was in its prime.

I was still new, and inexperienced in many ways, but I needed to start somewhere. So I started with an escort company as their “dominatrix” for hire.

I quickly realized those types of clients were not the types of men whom I wanted to associate with. So, I took the step into forming my own clientele, marketing and advertisement.
The doors opened for me in many ways once I was free from the association with working with this particular escort company. I booked many sessions and I also acquired three submissive’s. They showed great ownership potential, and I found myself feeling deep emotions for all of them in different ways. To cut the details short, two of them left me brutally, and unexpectedly.

Both gave me little to no reason for their departure and I was crushed.

I experienced my first pain as a Mistress and I went through my first betrayal from lack of communication from a sub.

The pain was immense and deep inside; I took blame, feeling as if I had failed as a Mistress. Once those incidents happened, I was never the same.

Something  inside of me  changed the moment they both left. Their actions stunned me, and I took a step back to investigate myself. I analyzed my actions with microscopic scrutiny. There were many thoughts and questions of why things went wrong. Did I push them too hard? Did I ask for too much? Did I miss something?

It wasn’t until months after their departure, when I finally came to my conclusion that those particular incidents were not 100% my fault.

Once the sting of the pain lessened, I was able to, in time, reason with myself on why those things really happened.
Still not really having a solid explanation, I moved on with my head held as high as I could to push forth with my career.

So with that pain, a wall developed inside of me. I would never allow myself to get involved deeply with a sub, especially on such a personal level. Work was work and nothing more.

My wish for ongoing training with subs became smothered in time as well once I discovered ongoing training wasn’t the intentions of most subs I see for real time sessions. Most clients stayed as clients as they became, one after another like pigs in a herd to me. In the door, out the door, never to see most of them again.

Don’t get me wrong. The desire to train a boy to suit my needs will always stay. However, I found most did not want anything past a onetime experience. So my wall which protects my heart is and has become more calloused over time due to that reason alone.

Another final reason is this-

I found most men, or those who wish to call themselves “subs” in the Pro Dom field, can be selfish, needy and even demanding with their expectations and wishes. It isn’t about my pleasure, my wants, or my needs.

I am simply there to provide a service, if that service or need isn’t met, they move on to someone else.

Another downer is the way I feel about Pro Dom work now, verses how I used to feel.  It’s now the comparison to a Mc Donald’s drive thru. Instead of me being behind the wheel of the car giving the order, I am the one taking the orders. One after another, like transactions, all the subs drive by.

Being a Pro Dom in my town hasn’t been what I had expected. A lot of times I often wonder who is in control. I most certainly, at this moment do not have a group of subs whom I can know they will return for continual training in sessions, or to be there for me when I am ready to play, to support me, or to train until limits are broken.

Yet even with all the discouragement I sometimes feel, there has been moments of greatness.

More importantly that greatness has been my growth. What they leave behind is more power, more knowledge and more understanding of who I am both as a person and a Mistress\Pro Domme.

I now recognize most issues of the past could have been avoided with simple honesty and communication from those subs that departed. I for one have no issues with either and I did make it clear that honesty and communication was important to me. They simply failed to do their part.

So back to what the caller on Niteflirt stated about me seeming cold.

The truth is, the nature of this industry is often cold, cruel and evil. It is a part of the fantasy, and a part of its appeal. It also can be at times a “dog eats dog” world, but deep down those appearances have nothing to do with my heart.

My heart is a part of the business, yet it is separate.
It’s alive and well. It beats behind a wall which no sub has yet to stay long enough to prove themselves worthy enough to see what’s really behind it.

So in closing, I leave you with the one thing I suggest to keep in mind.

You may find a lot of other women and Dommes seem cold as well. But take a deeper look into to all of their actions. What is really *behind* their actions? Is the coldness due to pain? Is it lack of something?

Maybe there is something more.

Maybe she has a heart, but is waiting for the right one to come along to earn it.

Perhaps she has no heart.

I know both exist because I have seen both, the actions of women with no souls or hearts, and those that do.

But for me, my heart and ownership must be earned. So if  you are wondering why I seem cold, well, that is my own reason why.

And if you feel inclined to do so, then earn your way, get past the walls and into this “cold” heart of mine.  ;)